


you are

by gwencelot



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-29
Updated: 2011-11-29
Packaged: 2017-12-20 17:14:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/889798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwencelot/pseuds/gwencelot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Honestly, you're so handsome when you're mean, and no one is better at ruining me than you are.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you are

The problem with someone knowing you inside and out is that it makes it easy for them to hurt you.

The thing is, James and Carlos didn’t get along at the start like people think they did. This is everyone’s first mistake: assuming that they’ve always had some perfect relationship.

No, the beginning was terrible: hitting and object throwing and every other thing a five year old thinks is useful in a fight. It’s not until later that they’ll discover how words can bruise more deeply, how a mark on flesh is nothing compared to one on the heart.

Once they’d gotten past their initial dislike of each other and formed a tentative friendship, James and Carlos had been glued to the hip, that much was true. It was inevitable that it would eventually grow into something more, and by freshman year they were deemed “cutest couple” by the entire class. Which was well and good, on the surface.

Because the reality is that being aesthetically pleasing is one thing, but there’s nothing beautiful about the things they say to each other behind closed doors. One of them is always looking for a fight. A simple question from Carlos of “What are you eating?” will end in James yelling about how he’s sensitive about his weight and Carlos _knows_ this, so can he just piss off, please? And Carlos will storm out of James’ house and they won’t speak for the rest of the night.

Making up is always the hardest. One of them will eventually apologize and they will go back to what other people are used to seeing; James’ hand curled tightly around Carlos’ waist, lingering kisses before leaving each other at any point, whispers of forever at night, even when no one can hear them. Because they love each other, at the end of the day.

The problem is, they grow, and find ways to hurt deeper, longer. When they’re 17 and Carlos is diagnosed with separation anxiety disorder, James snaps that he’s being clingy every time Carlos nervously asks him where he’s been, saying that it’s not cute like it was when they were younger. Carlos bites something back about how it’s no wonder James’ dad left for a younger woman because James is exactly like his mother and they’re both _insufferable_. They’ll stomp away from each other, in tears by the end of it, nowhere to turn because they’re all the other has.

Who do you talk to when your best friend is the one breaking your heart?

Even after their biggest fights, which lead to days of being apart and Carlos having multiple panic attacks, doing his hardest not to pick up the phone and call James, they end up going back to each other, knowing it will only end badly.

“Why do we do this?” James asks one night, voice cracking as he holds Carlos close, both soaking wet from taking shelter out of the rain in James’ (sometimes - when things are good - their) apartment. “Why can’t I stay away from you?”

“Because I’ll always find my way back,” Carlos whispers, broken, clutching at James’ shirt and trying to pretend there is no space between them, no wall keeping them apart.

The problem with knowing someone inside and out is that it makes it easy for you to take them down with you.


End file.
